BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama on Thursday hadn’t decided if the U.S. will strike Syria. He wants to launch a strike in the middle of a civil war that won’t overthrow the dictator but will change his behavior. Problem is, he forgot to renew his Magician’s Union card after getting re-elected.
The British Parliament rejected the use of force against Syria on Thursday. The House of Commons meets at 6 o’clock at night and stays in session until 2 a.m. It’s the first legislature in history and, to this day, the only one that keeps comedians’ hours.
Joe Biden declared Tuesday that Syria must be held accountable for using chemical weapons. Now it’s suspected al-Qaeda staged the attack to reel in the U.S. If America’s options were a horse race, The Devil You Know would be thundering down the backstretch.
Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was suspended by the NCAA for the first half of Saturday’s game. They suspect he took cash to autograph jerseys. The NCAA issued a statement warning that this is what happens when a college player is taught how to write.
The NFL agreed to pay $700 million to treat retired NFL players for memory loss due to concussions. Just last week O.J. Simpson was reported playing for the Aryan Nations prison softball team. Tell me this man doesn’t need immediate attention.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un executed a former girlfriend by firing squad last week with 11 other actresses. They were caught distributing Bibles and porn videos of themselves. It’s overwhelming evidence that they were agents of American influence.
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada advertised that the recession has forced its hookers to offer price discounts. They’re independent contractors and can do that. One hooker had her appendix taken out and now she’s doing business on the side.
Allstate’s survey says Colorado has the safest drivers in the U.S. while Washington D.C. has the most dangerous. It’s self explanatory. Legalized pot causes you to drive 20 mph and legalized bribery causes you to shop for nicer cars while you are driving.
A Japanese nuclear scientist said radiated water has been leaking into the Pacific Ocean from Japan’s busted reactor. It’s affecting Americans. California pot famers say the radiated ocean is affecting their crops, or maybe for some reason they’re a little paranoid.
The White House said it won’t interfere with laws legalizing pot smoking in Colorado and Washington state. It helps Democrats. Two years ago Arizona legalized medical pot and not one time since has anybody cared enough about illegal immigration to bring it up.
MLK anniversary speaker Melanie Campbell compared the Supreme Court to the Ku Klux Klan during her speech on the Lincoln Memorial on Wednesday. That is so wrong. The KKK are a bunch of guys in white sheets that scare the hell out of black people while the Supreme Court’s a bunch of guys in black sheets that scare the hell out of white people.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.